PictureJournal: ‘How Friday Faded & Sunday Shone in’
I gave him up on Friday. He came knocking at my door for 5 days, testing and asking if I’d given up already. He felt closer to finding his truth and authenticity. ..his raw truth. Then Friday came and he faded by Saturday; he went back to being sawdust. His words tasted bitterly on my palate like eucalyptus oil on babe lips. By Sunday my heart sank as I remembered last two Fridays confused tears and my promise to let go and release him. How I had turned with the pop of one text and THE CALL I thought would never come. How that had given me a new bloom of hope and then there also were my buckets of tears…for it has simply hurt not to be first … BUT then God being God…
I went to church on Sunday thinking…’Those dried up tears from Friday and the deep ache I felt at the airport… the wasted ones I left to Catch a new Flight to the farthest Destiny’… God was saying “no more…”
So arrived back late, laid my light load and woke to Sunday. There i sat in church Listening to a fervent Lisa translate my identity in God and the trough of wonder and power in the word & slowly like a dancing swan I came alive, my heart opened up and I smiled to myself tears freely flowing…
I had forgotten myself in the eclipse of learning a new soul, they shifted me into a corner shadow. I let myself be second because they were dominant but really that too was a facade of fear. ..they were just too scared to not see that differences are entitled. That I needed nothing and now my spark’s returned to me; in that very moment when I claimed myself back. My home. ..my energy..
My time… My worth are in my hands and I am magical!!! Free… abundant…blessed; I am already wonderful. I am fully loved. I am satisfied
I am enough. Whole… before and after… I’m still me, phewww!
So I’m sitting there wondering, “then Lord, I know I’m sparkling once -again BUT what is the purpose of men in life?” … i was asking Him, “Do they all just walk around playing hurtful powerline games, taking but not being available. …wanting…seeking or ‘enticing’ you with ideas but never committing? Is this their norm? Mina, I can’t pretend my truth …my vulnerability. ..my bold softness… it’s all who I am. I don’t play games. I can only Love Every one I encounter or i struggle. How can life work this way against itself?”
But God didn’t answer…
Lisa started talking about the dreams girls have at a little age…the unfiltered but faded ones…and then I remembered … ‘I always wanted a man of character with a gentle heart. My dad must’ve been my one example… how else does this man look…’ and then I remembered in varsity I asked God for a God-fearing tall bold man with a humble heart… and then I asked him, ” What does this look like so I don’t go shopping at the wrong Mart and buying the wrong ingredients?…”
There! In front of me sat a tall man whom I recognized immediately by his frame & crossed legs. .. I sit from behind at the same spot in church and for my first three weeks saw a man with a personal journal 😍 who recorded the sermon in writing the way I do in church. It’s noticeable because Very few people take sermon-to-pen so it feels and looks peculiar when people look at you… and yet week after week this man consistently writes in his notebook… anyway it’s as if God was saying…
“he’s not the one for you BUT the man you see COMES To ME with a heart-on-its-knees; Meek and Humbled. He follows and desires my Word like You thirst for water. He actually listens to Me. Look! he’s not ashamed of putting coins in the offering bag😍 (I saw this) & see weeks and weeks of lessons (Guy-on-cue pages through his book as if trying to link what he just heard with his old notes) and I know in All things that Thisman is a praying after Me; his God; my very Heart and I love SUCH a Man. I love you too, pumpkin” -God.
And I’m just sitting there thinking, ‘I am free to wait on the One that’s praying for me too😍! “Thank you Lord. I love you so much Jesus!.”
noteToSelf: Love yourself(*Me*) enough to know you (*iam*) are more than maybes & afterthoughts. Align and Assign yourself (*myself*)to the crown you (*i*) adorn because of WHO you are (*IAM)!